Her feats will amaze you. She can recite reception hall phone numbers from memory. In a blind taste test she can identify the specific bakers of three wedding cakes just by sampling the icing. Who is this wedding wonder? She is any Mother-of-the-Bride who has been through the rigors and joys of giving a wedding once and is now working on a second.
"The first time you plan a wedding, you feel lost, confused, at the mercy of fate," says one Mother-of-the-Bride whom we will call "Mom" (not her real name). "So you do the best you can and learn from experience. Then when it comes time for your second daughter to marry, you feel like an expert."
From her experiences Mom has developed a philosophy about planning weddings: "If you do everything well in advance, you can enjoy the wedding day and the special moments you might otherwise miss. So, organize, organize, organize."
THE "SACRED" BINDER
And organize she does. Her second daughter will be getting married in seven months, and already she has a four-inch thick, three-ring binder bulging with notes, swatches, and receipts. There are approximately 40 sections in her binder, one for each category in the wedding (florist, caterer, shoes, etc.) and one for each person in the wedding (including nine bridesmaids, nine groomsmen, and six ushers). Each section contains questions, cost estimates, and special notes. In the section marked "Church", for example, there is a detailed layout of the interior of the church, including the wattage of the overhead lights and the location of the bathrooms. The photographer may need to know the first bit of information. A nervous bridesmaid may need to know the second.
The section marked "Guest List" contains the alphabetized names and addresses of the people who will be invited to the wedding. Also included is a chart of percentages for expected no-shows from the guest list. There is a different percentage for each month of the year. For example, with a May wedding, caterers expect 20% of invited guests not to make it to the wedding. For August the percentage is 10%. Although the twelve percentages are written down, Mom does not have to actually refer to the chart. She knows each month's figure by heart.
SCHEDULES AND E.T.A.'S
Also included in the binder is a schedule of the wedding day. A precise, minute by minute schedule. "With a wedding as large as this - we have invited 600 guests - you have to keep things moving." Mom has calculated exactly how long it will take the nine bridesmaids to walk down the aisle (6.5 minutes). She also knows the E.T.A. (estimated time of arrival) of the bridal party at the reception hall (3:14 p.m.). These are not guesses. They are the results of actual trial runs. After everything else had been timed and figured in, it became obvious that the wedding would have to last precisely 42 minutes. The priest was duly, but tactfully, informed of the strict time limit of the ceremony.
In addition, the Mother-of-the-Bride has instructed the six ushers to keep the guests from swarming around the Bride and Groom at the back of the church after the ceremony to offer their congratulations. That would throw everything hopelessly off schedule.
A BRIDAL SHOW VETERAN
Naturally, Mom would not be caught dead at any bridal show without her binder. These shows provide a wealth of information, and Mom spends much of her time there furiously scribbling notes in each appropriate category section, and stuffing brochures and price lists into each appropriate category pocket. Once, she even tried saving a sample slice of wedding cake in one of the pockets. "That was a mistake," she admits.
As you can imagine, this binder has become pretty indispensable. She carries it with her everywhere; at night she keeps it next to the bed. But just to be sure that the unthinkable does not happen, Mom has made a photocopy of every note, every receipt, every brochure in the binder. These copies are kept in a second binder in case something happens to the first.
There are now "only" seven months left until her daughter's wedding. This is the point at which many Brides and mothers begin planning the wedding. Mom, however, says things are "down to the wire" at this point. As far as experienced mothers-of-the-Bride are concerned, there is no such thing as starting too soon. One year is the absolute minimum. Two years before is better, because even though she started a year before her first daughter's wedding, there were still scheduling problems. She booked the church first. Then she called the reception hall that her daughter wanted. It was already booked for that date. So, they changed the wedding date to get the reception location they wanted. That meant changing the church date they had already booked. This did not please the priest. Then there was a certain band that they just had to have. You guessed it. The band was not available for that day.This meant re-booking the reception hall for a date that the band was free. And, of course, it meant re-scheduling the church for the third time (need we tell you how the priest felt about that?).
Details are what make the difference in any wedding, as Mom can tell you. That is why when she visited the florist they had finally decided on, the appointment took two hours. Within the sacred binder there were four pages of notes, questions, and specifications to be conferred upon. There were eight swatches of material to match. The bridesmaids' flowers had to coordinate with the colors of their dresses. The Mother-of-the-Bride's dress needed a matching corsage. Ditto for the Mother-of-the-Groom. Then there were four grandmothers whose dresses needed flower coordination. And, of course, all of the flowers, corsages, and bouquets had to harmonize with the color of the last swatch - the carpeting in the church!
Before any standing flower arrangements could be ordered, there were several pictures to be studied which detailed the various views and angles of the interior of the church. They would help the florist decide height, width, and composition of each altar arrangement. Then the arrangements had to be positioned just right so that they would provide the proper background for photos taken in church.
DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS
During the planning of any wedding, decisions must be made on every level, and the decision-maker must consider and accept the consequences of every decision. For example, Mom discovered to her dismay at her first daughter's wedding that although the bridesmaids ride in a limo to the church, and the Bride and her father ride in a limo to the church, the Mother-of-the-Bride is left to her own devices to get herself to the church ("I could have hitchhiked for all they knew"). Things will be different the second time around. Mom ordered a limo for herself. Then when she thought about all the wasted space in that extra limo, she invited her mother and father, her sister, and the parents of the Groom to ride with her.
This is where the consequences part comes in. In order to be sure that everyone is there on time for the limo pickup, she has invited all parties involved to be at her house two hours before the arrival of the photographer. Since this time period encompasses lunch, Mom had to plan a buffet meal before the wedding ("We don't want anyone to faint in church, do we?").
THE POST-WEDDING RECEPTION
There are other parties to plan, too. After the last wedding, she discovered that people like to return to her house after the reception to discuss the wedding and chat with seldom-seen friends and relatives. Caught unaware and unprepared last time, Mom is ready this time. She has completed plans for the post-reception reception. She has ordered food and drinks for the estimated 50-75 "close" friends who will visit. There will also be a wedding cake at the gathering. For her first daughter's wedding she was so busy with mingling and taking care of details that she totally missed the cake cutting. By the time she made it to the cake table there were only crumbs left. "And I love wedding cake!", she says.
Mom admits that many people think her methods are a little overboard, but she feels she has the whole procedure down to a science. "Besides," she adds, "I truly love all this. For something as important as your daughter's wedding, you want people to enjoy it - and I want to enjoy it! My first daughter's wedding was beautiful, but it went too quickly. Poof! The day was over before I knew it because I was spending time worrying about this little detail or that."
So, Mom studied the 2-1/2 hour long unedited tape of the wedding and reception (she did this twice a week for the first six months after the wedding). "As I looked back I saw the things I could have improved. If you do all the work ahead of time and leave nothing to chance, the wedding day can be hassle-free and fun," she says.
Incidentally, Mom has already begun working on wedding plans for her third daughter. However, she has run into one small problem with that wedding, as she explains, "My daughter doesn't have a fiance' yet."